Making a Decision

This started off as an article written for a publication regarding major life decisions and how they affected one’s life. After submitting it I then went to edit it again and found more and more words flowing and since the content posted here was not restricted to the publication limits I could make it more explicit.
In the article it revolved around a theme. “What one big decision did you make in your life and how did you get to it?”

I consider myself to be a computer focused nerd with tendencies towards heavy metal and living large. I’ve been told I’m an outrageously confident person who doesn’t back down from any situation. This is mostly bluster as I can feel quite shy sometimes. A staunch agnostic, I question everyone’s belief structure, including the radical atheists. I am a naturally curious person who has to investigate everything, Wikipedia and Google are close friends of mine. I am also the one friend that every group has that has an ability to make everything sexual. I actually think everyone else makes it sexual but uses me as a scapegoat as I am more open about sex. Currently married with plans to have children soon, I have recently become god-father to close friend’s son. Growing up in a Defence Force family I have moved around the country quite a bit, my home territory ranges from Far North Queensland to Tasmania. Have spent the past 15 years living in Sydney in both family homes and out on my own.

My life has been a slowly evolving exploration of my sexuality with the odd burst of experience throughout the years. I remember that as a teenager I was a normal, straight guy. I liked looking at girls, I was definitely a breast man as I was not able to contain my eyes as my female classmates started to blossom and the hormones in my body took hold. Access to the still primitive internet brought with it access to pornography, slow as it was and as those hormones raced through my 16 year old body I used that access to explore the sordid world of sex. Eventually the “normal” porn started to bore me. I enjoyed the normal genres, lesbians and men being worshipped by hordes of horny women. Unfortunately there is only so much of that that one can masturbate to before you start wondering about other things. The ads on the sites hinted at more hardcore content, more perverse content and my curiosity was piqued. Lesbians led to group sex which lead to gangbangs which led to transexual porn which led to gay porn. It was a confusing time, I wasn’t gay because I still liked girls but I wasn’t straight because I was looking at men and enjoying it.

And then it all went tits up. A chance conversation with a male school friend where I admitted my tastes in pornography lead him to divulge that he was also interested in the same things. By the end of that conversation the idea of watching porn together had been planted and I discussed it with my partner for approval. Had I known where the rabbit hole would take me I wonder if I would do it the same again if I could turn back time.

After an afternoon of simply sitting in the same room and watching together, rubbing ourselves through the material of our very tight pants and then ducking off to the bathroom to rub one out, our comfort in each other increased to a point where we simply had our hands in our pants, fondling ourselves but not daring to look at each other. An hour later our comfort levels grew till one of us, I can’t recall which, one of us just undid his fly and exposed himself. With one out, the other followed. Seeing each other for the first time was as much of a turn-on as the buffering porn that was playing on his computer. Shortly afterwards on another hormone driven afternoon we were watching a video of a woman going down on a man, I was feeling particularly aroused and somehow I managed to work up the courage to ask him if I could try doing that on him. Nervously he agreed and I got down on my knees, looked closely at another man’s penis for the first time, and then I put it in my mouth. Due to my nerves my mouth was so dry I bobbed my head up and down a couple of times before getting back up and returning to the viewing of the movie.

After our orgasms I excused myself and headed home with a weird feeling of guilt. I had just given my first blowjob and I had no idea what that meant. Was I gay? I couldn’t be gay, I had a girlfriend and we had amazing sex together. But I wasn’t straight because even with the weird feelings of guilt and confusion, I was getting turned on thinking about what I had just done.

It was a week or more before we watched porn again, this time I asked if I could go down on him again but this time I would be ready with a drink so that my mouth was not dry. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing so I tried to replicate the things that my girlfriend had done to me and what I had seen in porn. Whatever I was doing was working as I remember hearing him moan as I gave my first proper blowjob. I didn’t make him orgasm but I did have him jerk himself off into my mouth. Even though I was expecting it, it was still a surprise when he spilled his seed in my mouth. I remember being so turned on by giving my first blowjob that as he came in my mouth I gently touched my own penis and started spurting all over the floor.

With a belly full of semen I walked home that day feeling even more confused. I felt shame, I felt guilty for liking it, I felt so many things and nothing made sense.

It was shortly after my first real blowjob when he got a new girlfriend and our porn sessions stopped. That time at his house, watching porn and masturbating with him taught me a lot about myself. Finding another man who was also bisexual and being accepted by him, and my girlfriend, I finally got to a point where I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. I’d only just discovered the label but it already fit who I was. This was not just a high school thing where boys would all watch porn together and occasionally masturbate together, this was a realisation that I was attracted to men in a similar way to women. I had a feeling that I couldn’t be in love with a man but I found the male form attractive and arousing.

Being bisexual in a committed relationship is not an easy path to follow, choosing to get married was an even harder path. It was a few years after my first experiments with another man when I started to contemplate the idea of marriage. I knew I loved my girl and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but at the same time, a part of me wanted something that I knew she wouldn’t be able to provide. It isn’t her fault that she couldn’t provide it, that was all me. Some say that bisexuality is the best of both worlds. To a certain extent it is, on the flipside though it is problematic. Being attracted to both genders but committing to one was easy at first but that desire to experience both raises its head occasionally and can send me into a tailspin.

My decision to finally pop the question came after I realised that the woman I loved loved me back and was accepting of my bisexuality. Whilst it has caused us to have an argument or two throughout our relationship, she has been supportive of me and has even permitted me to explore with another male friend. No relationship is ever without its challenges and my bisexuality has been a challenge for us both. For her it is a feeling of inadequacy, for me it has been a feeling of guilt. She feels that because I want more than she can offer, I feel guilt because I want more than she can offer.

Having an understanding and supportive partner encouraged me to make the biggest decision in my life and I have never regretted making that choice.

Whilst I am still not openly bisexual, there are a handful of close friends that know about it. It was hard for me to finally admit to myself that I was bisexual, years later it seems like such a silly thing. The fact that they know I am bisexual has made some things easier for me, their acceptance makes me feel more confident in myself. The occasional comment when out in public about the hot guy across the street is not out of place with these friends. Perhaps one day everyone will know but for now, they all see me as a happily married man trying to start a family and honestly, that is all they really need to know.

I don’t know if there is anything that I could have done differently, there is no handbook to being bisexual and sex education in school covered it even less than being homosexual. The fact that I discovered my bisexuality while in a relationship made it harder to accept and deal with. If I had of been single when I realised I was attracted to both genders there is a chance that I would have been able to explore it without the complications of having a partner involved. On the flip side, having a partner there who supported me and while not 100% comfortable with it, let me explore my gay side, was a great boon for my identity’s growth and development.

For others in this position, of being bisexual but in a relationship, I encourage open dialogue. There were times where I felt that I couldn’t talk to my partner about it because she’d feel inadequate and that led to some complications that almost tore us apart. So if you are bisexual, or even just bi-curious, tell your partner. Let them know that they shouldn’t feel inadequate because of their genitals and that it is not their fault. Tell them that you are attracted to men and women and if they truly love you your relationship will blossom into something that no one else can tear asunder. Keep it hidden and you will start to resent your partner, they will be mistrustful of you, and the whole thing will collapse.

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